Somedays something triggers my dysphoria. yesterday was a accumulation of a whole bunch of things.

jj came out as lesbian. which is awesome. so happy for her...she also met somebody, again. amazing. awesome. happy for her.

but she's leaving me. she's diverting all her attention to this other girl. and i need to get used to it, i need to accept and understand it. i'm getting there...it's just hard.

i'm alone in this again.

we went to dinner with the family and i was supposed to sit next to my dad. he asked my mom to switch seats because he didn't want to sit next to me. that hit me hard.

that and the experience with david crownson. bigotry..

anyways. i guess im feeling a little better right now, my heart feels broken and i feel like i'm breaking up with my best friend...but im not.

so i guess i'll list the changes that have happened in month 10.

boobs are now a 36b
my nipples are sensitive and fucking enormous
skin is as soft as a girls
my fat has started to redistribute and my sides have gotten hourglassy
my hair is chin length now
i bruise way easier
my muscles are disappearing
i don't sweat as much, but when i do...i do.
body hair is going away
body odor is non-existent...but that's how it's always been
i can see more colors

among other things i guess. i cry way more. my mental state is happier but given recent developments...things hit me harder.

it's been 10 weeks, 3 weeks, and 3 days.

it's been a pretty positive change. i'm pretty content with the changes. mentally and physically i look amazing and i feel amazing.

everybody else though...not so much. it's getting to me.

today has been rough. i'm feeling really dysphoric and i don't know who i can tell. i feel like it's all i talk about and because my emotions are all over the place and...i dunno.

i'm sorry. i have to hide. i took my nails off and i'm going to pretend that tiffany is gone for a while.

it'll be easier for everybody else.

Alright, here we go. Day 28 is tomorrow, I ended up doing my first shot by myself and not reporting on it because nothing happened at that point. it was boring. yea, it was exciting that I did it myself and everything but who cares.

anyways, NOW i have something to report!

Sometime around July 30th i woke up with a painful sensation on my chest. YESSSSSS! i poked around and prodded and went to the bathroom and noticed that my chest was poking out a bit! YESSSS my nipples are super sensitive right now too. i can barely wear a rougher shirt because it feels like it's just tearing them up.


anyways, so to recap on changes big and small:

Nipples are super sensitive.
boobs are coming in.
kelso smacked them and i just about screamed
I dont smell like a man in my nether regions
i don't smell in general anymore.
my elbows are not dry and ashy anymore
i can sit in positions i haven't been able to sit in since i was a kid.

End week 1:

nothing to report. i got my spironolactone yesterday though. 

mental status is an A+

physical status is a F- (no changes yet)

OH but i don't smell bad at the end of the day, but i never really did to begin with but my teeshirts still smell like clean laundry by the end which is odd. 

Day 3: Nothing has changed, i'm happier. my mental state is better, which is cool...and my skin and hair feels soft. but again, placebo effect.