I would give anything to be normal. Except of course Kelso. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't be here. Physically, mentally and spiritually. Even when he doesn't come to me when I call him because he's so into his tv or his ipad or his stuffed animals or whatever else he's into at the time I still love him way more than I can ever love myself.

JJ and I have been going through some tough patches. One day she asked me if I wanted to transition and I said yes.

Shit hit the fan.

Why can't i be normal? I hate these feelings i have, I hate the person I am. I hate myself. Part of me hates the way I look, part of me hates the way I want to look. Everything I want to do, everything I want to be. I hate it. I hate myself. I just want to be normal, I want to be happy with being a guy. I want to be like every other guy and like sports and not care about presents or gifts. I don't want to think about how i don't feel loved. I want to not care. I want to be normal. I don't know what i'm doing anymore. I hate myself.

She spoke to rachel about some things. It's a little cloudy who said what now as she never really told me but i read her texts instead but i do remember some talk about how i'm not successful and that i need to grow up and do something and that i'm faking everything to cover up for my failures. I don't think i've ever felt so hurt. Somebody that is supposed to love me. made a vow to love me thinks so low of me.

I'm all over the place. i feel like crying, i can't even write a good blog entry. i'm not in a good place in my life but i have to hold my head up and pretend that nothing is wrong.

i stalled my transition to save my family. i have to keep telling myself that it's okay to hate myself. It's okay because with this decision will only hurt myself and nobody else. If i were to transition so many people would be hurt.

Dear old friend,

            My son is about to turn two. He runs, smiles, talks and calls me daddy. Sometimes mommy but that's okay too. He knows how to unlock my phone and one time even called an old friend from New Jersey. He's growing up so quickly it's almost impossible to fathom what else he will know in the near future. He's turning two. I can't even wrap that around my tiny puny stupid brain. He's turning two without his godmother.

          Whose fault is that you ask? Mostly mine. I am the one at fault for costing my son his godmother. I never meant for you to hear those hurtful words, even though they were true...they still shouldn't have been said. I still believe that you could have taken time out of your schedule to come see him a little bit more, and I definitely still believe that ever since you became a gym nut you have changed, but can i blame you? Unfortunately I blinded myself with lame hate and forgot how difficult it is to keep a friendship going, especially when the friendship is strained with a little guy that couldn't even walk. We were in different places, and because we were in different places and we didn't do stuff together anymore I blamed you for it. I blamed you for not being there when i should have realized that it's a part of life.

_______________________________________________________

Enough of that.

He's turning two! holy shit. I just realized that today and it's boggling my mind.