I would give anything to be normal. Except of course Kelso. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't be here. Physically, mentally and spiritually. Even when he doesn't come to me when I call him because he's so into his tv or his ipad or his stuffed animals or whatever else he's into at the time I still love him way more than I can ever love myself.

JJ and I have been going through some tough patches. One day she asked me if I wanted to transition and I said yes.

Shit hit the fan.

Why can't i be normal? I hate these feelings i have, I hate the person I am. I hate myself. Part of me hates the way I look, part of me hates the way I want to look. Everything I want to do, everything I want to be. I hate it. I hate myself. I just want to be normal, I want to be happy with being a guy. I want to be like every other guy and like sports and not care about presents or gifts. I don't want to think about how i don't feel loved. I want to not care. I want to be normal. I don't know what i'm doing anymore. I hate myself.

She spoke to rachel about some things. It's a little cloudy who said what now as she never really told me but i read her texts instead but i do remember some talk about how i'm not successful and that i need to grow up and do something and that i'm faking everything to cover up for my failures. I don't think i've ever felt so hurt. Somebody that is supposed to love me. made a vow to love me thinks so low of me.

I'm all over the place. i feel like crying, i can't even write a good blog entry. i'm not in a good place in my life but i have to hold my head up and pretend that nothing is wrong.

i stalled my transition to save my family. i have to keep telling myself that it's okay to hate myself. It's okay because with this decision will only hurt myself and nobody else. If i were to transition so many people would be hurt.